Life goes on and yet, it feels almost as if time has stopped.
Regrets holding me back as the clock hands struggle against the natural law-defying forces; the stubborn self pit against the flow of nature. People seem to move on but they don't necessarily succeed at it. Then, there are also the unfeeling, desperately trying hard to feel again for they need to feel, in order to move on. To move on..
It's confusing, really.
I'm not sure what's going on in my mind, what exactly I'm feeling and why the tears keep flowing.
Am I feeling sad for my father who has just lost his mother? Or my mother who was brought to tears because my grandmother's funeral reminded her of her mother whom she loved so much? Or my sister who is also filled with sadness and regrets at losing our grandmother this way? Or the cousins who were much closer to my grandmother? Or the aunts and uncles who had also just lost a mother? Or my grandmother who has left this world far too early and quickly? And yet, had to undergo close to two weeks of pain and suffering before she could rid herself of these earthly worries? Or myself, who have had too little time to show my grandmother how much I loved her? To spend time with her? To create more memories with her? To take care of her? To act on this love I profess to have for her? To ensure that no such regrets, as those I have now, will ever arise?
I will never forget my cheery grandmother sitting in her favourite chair by the door every Chinese New Year. My dearest granny shuffling around the house, offering us her home-made fried cashew nuts, barbecued sweet pork, cousin-made pineapple tarts or the Chinese New Year sweet treats arranged neatly in the same old container. I will never forget my granny's loud voice whenever she spoke to my father, as she ushered us to the dinner table for meals, as she insisted that we take home a packet of nuts, as she commented occasionally on the television programme, as she recounted her many life experiences to all of us.. I will never forget this kind old lady who loved her children and grandchildren unconditionally. I am incredibly thankful that I started to hug her again either this year or last Chinese New Year (thanks to my mum who gave me the courage to overcome the shyness) but.. I don't think any amount of hugs would have ever been enough.
I sincerely hope that she's in a better, happier place right now and that she knows she's being loved by, missed by and blessed by so many people. Ah Ma, I hope that each and every drop of tear shed by your loved ones will translate into an additional blessing for happiness, contentment and prosperity in your after- or next life.
Ah Ma, 一路走好, 安心地当神仙.
Thank you so much for being in my life, Ah Ma. I love you so much.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Sunday, 20 July 2014
A Rainy, Sunny Day
This is my burden to bear.. What was I even thinking - to think that I almost called you but thankfully, I held myself back in time. Happiness is such a rarity in this world of ours, I shouldn't be inflicting pain and sadness on others. We suffer alone. We keep the pain to ourselves.
Don't let someone else's sunny day.. be overrun by your rain clouds.
This is my burden to bear.. What was I even thinking - to think that I almost called you but thankfully, I held myself back in time. Happiness is such a rarity in this world of ours, I shouldn't be inflicting pain and sadness on others. We suffer alone. We keep the pain to ourselves.
Don't let someone else's sunny day.. be overrun by your rain clouds.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
I'M ON EXCHANGE!
This means that I'm in Korea right now (this is my 14th day here in Seoul)! How exciting is that haha :D However, this also means that I'll be updating this page less frequently because I have a separate travel blog specially for my exchange experience.. I'll be focusing more on that page during these 4-5 months.. but I won't stop posting here completely though aha! This is still my own secret paradise that few know of and hence, if there are things that I feel uncomfortable sharing with people on that page, I'll still come back here!
WOOHOO!
Hope I'll be having loads of fun here! *\o/*
Seeya soon on this blog!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Friday, 10 January 2014
It's a new year.
A new start.
A fresh beginning.
A chance to forget the past,
An opportunity to create a new future.
Then why do I feel so weary? So bogged down by the weight of the past? The self of the past, who was afraid that she was not strong enough and who is still unsure if she can become stronger.
(Inner turmoil)
"Stop playing and grow up!"
"..."
"Is a frivolous day of fun going to help feed you?"
"But.. If not today, if not now, when will we ever get a chance to play again? Adults do not play. They forget how to have fun because there is no space for that in their worlds."
"With money, you can have all the fun you want- stop playing, I say and get to work!"
"Work. Money. Is that really all there is to life? To living?"
"..."
"..."
To the future self: Stay strong and keep the faith. Always.
A new start.
A fresh beginning.
A chance to forget the past,
An opportunity to create a new future.
Then why do I feel so weary? So bogged down by the weight of the past? The self of the past, who was afraid that she was not strong enough and who is still unsure if she can become stronger.
(Inner turmoil)
"Stop playing and grow up!"
"..."
"Is a frivolous day of fun going to help feed you?"
"But.. If not today, if not now, when will we ever get a chance to play again? Adults do not play. They forget how to have fun because there is no space for that in their worlds."
"With money, you can have all the fun you want- stop playing, I say and get to work!"
"Work. Money. Is that really all there is to life? To living?"
"..."
"..."
To the future self: Stay strong and keep the faith. Always.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tuesday, 12 December 2013
Was reminded of 謝和弦 today and decided to visit his blog (my weekly must-visit in the past), only to realise that it's gone.. It's such a waste to read about this young talented musician's downward spiral and I really hope that one day, he will stand up on his two feet bravely once again and show the world, his raw, rough-edged but astounding musical talent. He used to be a great inspiration to me and this is how we should remember him - 謝和弦, 埔里小孩.
(extracted from a post in http://www.wretch.cc/blog/she820426/31315604)
謝和弦
一個國中畢業到台北打拼的埔里小孩
曾經是華硏唱片的培訓藝人
但或許因腦中存在著叛逆因子
為了他的樂團夢
他離開了華硏唱片
曾經擁有一個樂團
叫 海平面
但最近因為團員的生活與生計問題而解散
他嘗試過好多事情
好多不是他本來想做的事情
但為了他的音樂夢
他試著去做
他試著演戲
演了一些 或許大家都知道的角色
但 他依然愛著他的音樂
現在
他是亞神唱片的藝人
他 即將在今年或明年
正式發表他的音樂作品
我相信他有那樣的音樂實力
有讓人愛上他的獨特魅力
他 現在人在北京
正再努力的充實自己
(extracted from a post in http://www.wretch.cc/blog/she820426/31315604)
謝和弦
一個國中畢業到台北打拼的埔里小孩
曾經是華硏唱片的培訓藝人
但或許因腦中存在著叛逆因子
為了他的樂團夢
他離開了華硏唱片
曾經擁有一個樂團
叫 海平面
但最近因為團員的生活與生計問題而解散
他嘗試過好多事情
好多不是他本來想做的事情
但為了他的音樂夢
他試著去做
他試著演戲
演了一些 或許大家都知道的角色
但 他依然愛著他的音樂
現在
他是亞神唱片的藝人
他 即將在今年或明年
正式發表他的音樂作品
我相信他有那樣的音樂實力
有讓人愛上他的獨特魅力
他 現在人在北京
正再努力的充實自己
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Thursday, 5 December 2013
I thought I was going to publish 2 posts in a day but time really flies/evaporates/vanishes - before I even realise it, 4 December has quietly turned into 5 December. Another day is over, but that also means that we're one day closer to Christmas <|:o)) Hohoho!
Anyway, just some (short) musings for the day.
Today's theme is "Life and Love".
Now that my sister is in a relationship (yay, congratulations), I've started to think about the role of romantic love in our lives. If being in love means that one's significant other half is constantly on one's mind and one yearns to meet him/her all the time, then I really wonder how this is able to fit in with the concept of family (love) and friendship (aka. friend love). I hesitate to use the word, "accomodate" because I disagree that family is the one which has to be accomodated - the right question should instead be concerned with how romantic love can be accomodated and have room made for it in one's life. Clearly, I'm a person who prioritises family and I'm determined that this fact will not change, whether I'm in a relationship or not, because some things are just non-negotiable.
I understand that people can get giddy with love, that love is passionate, that love is overwhelming and may often appear to be the best thing in the world (I really do, or at least I try) - but can't we all try and achieve a balance between that and family? (unfortunately, ordinary friends rank too low on the list to even be discussed here) With a bit more consideration for the feelings of others, I am pretty sure that such a balance is possible.
I hope I'm being rational here (and not just being the lil sister who's neglected and hence, whiny) but I think this is a topic worth thinking about. The relationship between one's romantic partner and one's family, when that balance is tipped towards the romantic partner (aka. when romantic love transforms into familial love) and when that happens, the difference in treatment warranted by the different types of familial love. Don't get started on me about how a married daughter is like water splashed out of the house (pardon the less-than-elegant translation) for I might very well dunk you in a pail of water and throw you out with the pail, but I do think that this is a question that everyone should answer. If the natural course of things (according to societal norms and standards) allows for people to get married and move out from their family homes to set up their own families elsewhere (regardless of whether one still visits his/her parents/siblings/aunts/whatnot), doesn't this necessarily imply that family has been 'demoted', as compared to the now-husband/wife? If so, is that really all there is to the notion of 'family'?
Alright- enough questions for the day. I'm still tired (despite my 3-hour nap earlier) from last night's sleepover where ironically, there was little sleep to go around. Lights out and wishing all a good night!
Anyway, just some (short) musings for the day.
Today's theme is "Life and Love".
Now that my sister is in a relationship (yay, congratulations), I've started to think about the role of romantic love in our lives. If being in love means that one's significant other half is constantly on one's mind and one yearns to meet him/her all the time, then I really wonder how this is able to fit in with the concept of family (love) and friendship (aka. friend love). I hesitate to use the word, "accomodate" because I disagree that family is the one which has to be accomodated - the right question should instead be concerned with how romantic love can be accomodated and have room made for it in one's life. Clearly, I'm a person who prioritises family and I'm determined that this fact will not change, whether I'm in a relationship or not, because some things are just non-negotiable.
I understand that people can get giddy with love, that love is passionate, that love is overwhelming and may often appear to be the best thing in the world (I really do, or at least I try) - but can't we all try and achieve a balance between that and family? (unfortunately, ordinary friends rank too low on the list to even be discussed here) With a bit more consideration for the feelings of others, I am pretty sure that such a balance is possible.
I hope I'm being rational here (and not just being the lil sister who's neglected and hence, whiny) but I think this is a topic worth thinking about. The relationship between one's romantic partner and one's family, when that balance is tipped towards the romantic partner (aka. when romantic love transforms into familial love) and when that happens, the difference in treatment warranted by the different types of familial love. Don't get started on me about how a married daughter is like water splashed out of the house (pardon the less-than-elegant translation) for I might very well dunk you in a pail of water and throw you out with the pail, but I do think that this is a question that everyone should answer. If the natural course of things (according to societal norms and standards) allows for people to get married and move out from their family homes to set up their own families elsewhere (regardless of whether one still visits his/her parents/siblings/aunts/whatnot), doesn't this necessarily imply that family has been 'demoted', as compared to the now-husband/wife? If so, is that really all there is to the notion of 'family'?
Alright- enough questions for the day. I'm still tired (despite my 3-hour nap earlier) from last night's sleepover where ironically, there was little sleep to go around. Lights out and wishing all a good night!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Monday, 4 December 2013
Just back from my first-ever hotel staycation at Studio M! (and an executive loft room, no less!)
It was a really great experience with friends and well, I enjoyed spending time with them. (: I didn't htht as much with them *sigh* but I just can't do it. There are simply too many things that I cannot and will not share with others.. We played a "Let Lang Leav Answer" game and when my friend asked about who I currently like, very interestingly, I got this poem:
The Things We Hide
And so,
I have put away
the photographs,
every trace of you
I know.
The things that seem
to matter less,
are the ones
we put on show.
It was uncannily accurate, especially so considering that I had decided to put an end to these unrequited feelings just the day before yesterday.
Life works in really strange ways, doesn't it?
Nonetheless, it has been a really fanstastic staycation. Thank you all for your pleasant company. <3
It was a really great experience with friends and well, I enjoyed spending time with them. (: I didn't htht as much with them *sigh* but I just can't do it. There are simply too many things that I cannot and will not share with others.. We played a "Let Lang Leav Answer" game and when my friend asked about who I currently like, very interestingly, I got this poem:
The Things We Hide
And so,
I have put away
the photographs,
every trace of you
I know.
The things that seem
to matter less,
are the ones
we put on show.
It was uncannily accurate, especially so considering that I had decided to put an end to these unrequited feelings just the day before yesterday.
Life works in really strange ways, doesn't it?
Nonetheless, it has been a really fanstastic staycation. Thank you all for your pleasant company. <3
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Sunday, 14 July 2013
It’s me again..!
I just wanted to blog a little about the past week, which has been pretty eventful, in terms of the social happenings in my life.
Firstly, I “reconnected” with a friend from college.
Secondly, I quarreled with two friends from university.
Thirdly, I tried to catch up with a senior from college (and now in the same university).
Lastly, I’ve met two wonderful colleagues (fellow interns) at work, who have been great company over the past two weeks.
Well, let’s start off with friend number one (I probably only have time to cover one story today) – who once had the honour of being the subject of one of my poems in an earlier post. Everything happened (or rather, fell apart) 2 years ago, sometime in June or July. Named friend and I used to be very close friends, sharing secrets and all – ah well, essentially everything good friends did. Then one horrid day, this friend suddenly stopped replying my messages, stopped talking to me and basically just cut off all forms of contact. It seemed like he had simply dropped off the radar and disappeared from my life completely. Naturally, it was a very traumatizing and painful experience to have a friend do this out of the blue but me, being me, didn’t just resign myself to fate and wallow in sadness of course. I tried talking to him, tried reconnecting with him and I think I really tried every imaginable way I could just to elicit some kind of response from him (short of ambushing him at his house). I still recall that I started off with some innocuous hi-bye messages and when that failed, I moved on to texting him. Then I tried leaving him messages on Facebook and when even that failed, I attempted tagging him in a Facebook post. (I thought it would force him to give some sort of reply since the post was on his wall) Alas, even that was useless. =_="
It was a very painful time then because I simply couldn’t comprehend his actions – why did he suddenly choose to distance himself from me and how could he even bear to do that to me? Those questions kept repeating in my mind for days, weeks and months and till today, I can still clearly remember the anguish that accompanied the realization that I didn’t have an answer. It was tormenting me every single day because I really didn’t know what had gone wrong. I kept reflecting on my own actions as a friend – wondering if the problem was with me, whether I had done anything wrong or whether I had done anything to push him away. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt – the negativity just had me beating myself up inside.
Eventually, I resorted to the hard way (aka. direct confrontation) by asking him outright if there was a problem/misunderstanding between us and if so, how we could resolve it. By then, I think more than half a year had already passed. And the answer was one that I could have never expected (or forgotten). He just gave a curt reply that there was no misunderstanding of any sort and that he didn’t know what I was talking about. Imagine how shocked I was then.. I had just endured months of self-doubt and reflection, thinking about the one million and one things that could have possibly gone wrong and here he was, dismissing all of that with simply one emotionless sentence?
Some might think that things ended with that answer but heck no, it only made things worse. After hearing that answer, I got even more confused about the situation – so were things still the same? Nothing had happened? Did it then mean that the past 6-7 months of worrying and distress were for naught? That it was something I had brought onto myself, that it was over-imagination on my part? For making things out to be worse than they actually were?
In hindsight, that was a truly tough period filled with confusion and lots of self-blaming going on. (helpless shrug)
In the end, I just stopped trying to reach out to him (since it hurt so much every time I tried) because I reasoned that there was no point in trying to keep a friend who had no qualms in hurting me.
From then on, I did attempt to strike up conversations with him occasionally but they never did last and I never got the answers I desperately needed. In contrast, some of the responses I received were cold and plain hostile and never failed to just tear me up a little bit inside everytime.
Until last week..
He posted some things on Facebook that indicated he was depressed (pretty rare of him to do it in the public domain) and for some strange inexplicable reason (I thought I had already decided to move on with life without him), I found myself feeling worried about him. I wanted to show my concern for him but at the same time, I was extremely hesitant to do so for fear of the stinging barbs that could possibly come flying my way.
Unless you’re masochistic, which I’m clearly not. (My silly actions to try and mend the relationship repeatedly but unsuccessfully once had me suspecting that I was masochistic – I couldn’t think of a better reason to explain why I kept going back even after getting hurt each time – but I realized that it wasn’t because of an addiction to the pain (siao ar!) but his importance to me as a friend)
I took a few days to deliberate on my next course of action and I finally gathered up the courage to send him a message. It was a very carefully worded message, that allowed me to express my concern whilst maintaining a safe distance from him.
If you haven’t tried this before, let me tell you that typing words like, “it’s perfectly alright if you do not want to talk to me” (takes a deep breath) makes you feel like crap lying at the bottom of a festering pile of garbage in a rubbish dump. And the crap is like, 3 weeks old.
Once again, nothing would have prepared me for your harsh and straightforward reply.
You couldn’t see me then but honestly, I was at a loss for words. Your words suggested a friendship that had already ended – so what exactly have I been hanging on to for the past couple of years?!
For a person who still treats you as a friend, these words sting more than anything else.
You claim to have forgotten the reason behind your actions but regardless of whether that is true or not, it is a cruel answer. If you have indeed forgotten it, it simply means that I mattered so little to you that you didn't even bother to remember why you abandoned your supposed friend. If you haven’t really forgotten it, it means that you’re hiding something (and I will never get to know that ‘something’) and that leaves me feeling uneasy and upset. Either way, the outcome’s bad. (deep sigh) I act like it doesn’t matter that much anymore, talking about the past freely and without care but do you know this?
As much as I tell myself that all these will not have the ability to affect me anymore, honestly, they still do. It still hurts. It doesn’t go as deep as it used to but the lingering feeling of pain is ever too familiar.
There’s no way that you’re going to see this but anyway, this message goes out to you.
You asked me why – and that’s exactly what I ask myself repeatedly whenever I find myself caring about you. It hurts each time, I’ve thought about it countless of times over the years and I realize the only reason that could possibly explain everything is that perhaps, you were once someone whom I treated as a friend for life. As much as I would like to turn back time, constants have now turned into variables and the power to change things is no longer in my hands. I don’t know how much it even matters to you but I’m here. I'm here for you and I can do what you have failed to.
That is, I won’t run away from my friends.
Simply because, that’s what friends are for.
I just wanted to blog a little about the past week, which has been pretty eventful, in terms of the social happenings in my life.
Firstly, I “reconnected” with a friend from college.
Secondly, I quarreled with two friends from university.
Thirdly, I tried to catch up with a senior from college (and now in the same university).
Lastly, I’ve met two wonderful colleagues (fellow interns) at work, who have been great company over the past two weeks.
Well, let’s start off with friend number one (I probably only have time to cover one story today) – who once had the honour of being the subject of one of my poems in an earlier post. Everything happened (or rather, fell apart) 2 years ago, sometime in June or July. Named friend and I used to be very close friends, sharing secrets and all – ah well, essentially everything good friends did. Then one horrid day, this friend suddenly stopped replying my messages, stopped talking to me and basically just cut off all forms of contact. It seemed like he had simply dropped off the radar and disappeared from my life completely. Naturally, it was a very traumatizing and painful experience to have a friend do this out of the blue but me, being me, didn’t just resign myself to fate and wallow in sadness of course. I tried talking to him, tried reconnecting with him and I think I really tried every imaginable way I could just to elicit some kind of response from him (short of ambushing him at his house). I still recall that I started off with some innocuous hi-bye messages and when that failed, I moved on to texting him. Then I tried leaving him messages on Facebook and when even that failed, I attempted tagging him in a Facebook post. (I thought it would force him to give some sort of reply since the post was on his wall) Alas, even that was useless. =_="
It was a very painful time then because I simply couldn’t comprehend his actions – why did he suddenly choose to distance himself from me and how could he even bear to do that to me? Those questions kept repeating in my mind for days, weeks and months and till today, I can still clearly remember the anguish that accompanied the realization that I didn’t have an answer. It was tormenting me every single day because I really didn’t know what had gone wrong. I kept reflecting on my own actions as a friend – wondering if the problem was with me, whether I had done anything wrong or whether I had done anything to push him away. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt – the negativity just had me beating myself up inside.
Eventually, I resorted to the hard way (aka. direct confrontation) by asking him outright if there was a problem/misunderstanding between us and if so, how we could resolve it. By then, I think more than half a year had already passed. And the answer was one that I could have never expected (or forgotten). He just gave a curt reply that there was no misunderstanding of any sort and that he didn’t know what I was talking about. Imagine how shocked I was then.. I had just endured months of self-doubt and reflection, thinking about the one million and one things that could have possibly gone wrong and here he was, dismissing all of that with simply one emotionless sentence?
Some might think that things ended with that answer but heck no, it only made things worse. After hearing that answer, I got even more confused about the situation – so were things still the same? Nothing had happened? Did it then mean that the past 6-7 months of worrying and distress were for naught? That it was something I had brought onto myself, that it was over-imagination on my part? For making things out to be worse than they actually were?
In hindsight, that was a truly tough period filled with confusion and lots of self-blaming going on. (helpless shrug)
In the end, I just stopped trying to reach out to him (since it hurt so much every time I tried) because I reasoned that there was no point in trying to keep a friend who had no qualms in hurting me.
From then on, I did attempt to strike up conversations with him occasionally but they never did last and I never got the answers I desperately needed. In contrast, some of the responses I received were cold and plain hostile and never failed to just tear me up a little bit inside everytime.
Until last week..
Things changed slightly.
He posted some things on Facebook that indicated he was depressed (pretty rare of him to do it in the public domain) and for some strange inexplicable reason (I thought I had already decided to move on with life without him), I found myself feeling worried about him. I wanted to show my concern for him but at the same time, I was extremely hesitant to do so for fear of the stinging barbs that could possibly come flying my way.
I mean, it’s difficult to jump into a pool of fire knowing very well that it’s a, well, pool of fire (and that hurts of course, in case you’re thinking otherwise).
Unless you’re masochistic, which I’m clearly not. (My silly actions to try and mend the relationship repeatedly but unsuccessfully once had me suspecting that I was masochistic – I couldn’t think of a better reason to explain why I kept going back even after getting hurt each time – but I realized that it wasn’t because of an addiction to the pain (siao ar!) but his importance to me as a friend)
I took a few days to deliberate on my next course of action and I finally gathered up the courage to send him a message. It was a very carefully worded message, that allowed me to express my concern whilst maintaining a safe distance from him.
If you haven’t tried this before, let me tell you that typing words like, “it’s perfectly alright if you do not want to talk to me” (takes a deep breath) makes you feel like crap lying at the bottom of a festering pile of garbage in a rubbish dump. And the crap is like, 3 weeks old.
Once again, nothing would have prepared me for your harsh and straightforward reply.
You asked me, “why”.
(heavy silence)
You asked me why I cared.
You asked me why you still deserved such kindness from me even though you had treated me callously in the past.
You couldn’t see me then but honestly, I was at a loss for words. Your words suggested a friendship that had already ended – so what exactly have I been hanging on to for the past couple of years?!
For a person who still treats you as a friend, these words sting more than anything else.
You claim to have forgotten the reason behind your actions but regardless of whether that is true or not, it is a cruel answer. If you have indeed forgotten it, it simply means that I mattered so little to you that you didn't even bother to remember why you abandoned your supposed friend. If you haven’t really forgotten it, it means that you’re hiding something (and I will never get to know that ‘something’) and that leaves me feeling uneasy and upset. Either way, the outcome’s bad. (deep sigh) I act like it doesn’t matter that much anymore, talking about the past freely and without care but do you know this?
As much as I tell myself that all these will not have the ability to affect me anymore, honestly, they still do. It still hurts. It doesn’t go as deep as it used to but the lingering feeling of pain is ever too familiar.
I have so many unanswered questions and yet, you still have so little to offer..
Till today, I don’t understand how you could have treated me like this.
I don’t understand how I could have mattered this little to you when you were so important to me.
I don’t understand how you could have hurt my feelings so readily and yet, still act nonchalant and uncaring about it.
I don’t understand how you could have treated a friend like this. Every friend deserves respect.
I don’t understand how you can complain and mope about friends leaving you and unjustifiably cutting you off from their lives (and lament how your life is cursed) and yet, go on to inflict the same pain on someone else. Haven’t you heard of the saying, do unto others what you would like others to do unto you? What right then do you have to whine about your ‘ex-friends’ when you’re guilty of the same crime?
More than anything else, I don’t understand why you still matter to me even after close to 3 years and numerous rejections (in repairing the friendship).
There’s no way that you’re going to see this but anyway, this message goes out to you.
You asked me why – and that’s exactly what I ask myself repeatedly whenever I find myself caring about you. It hurts each time, I’ve thought about it countless of times over the years and I realize the only reason that could possibly explain everything is that perhaps, you were once someone whom I treated as a friend for life. As much as I would like to turn back time, constants have now turned into variables and the power to change things is no longer in my hands. I don’t know how much it even matters to you but I’m here. I'm here for you and I can do what you have failed to.
That is, I won’t run away from my friends.
Simply because, that’s what friends are for.
Saturday, 6 July 2013
HeLLLlllOOOOO :D
I haven’t checked yet but it has probably been a good half year since I last posted. ㅠ.ㅠ So sorry (to myself and anyone who cares) for not updating my blog for so long – I will work on it from now on! To be honest, I’m not exactly in a writing mood right now but I feel I should just try writing something and perhaps, take the chance to get certain negative stuff out of my system. I had a really strong urge to write yesterday; my little mind was overwhelmed by the barrage of thoughts and words that came rushing madly into my head but I didn’t jot them down then because it was too late at night (and uh, I wanted to sleep T^T I regret it now though cos the words are not flowing as readily at the moment). I really should make it a point to write whenever the mood comes!
Anyway, where shall we start.. My non-existent love life (if we exclude my marriage to hubby Hongki)? Hahaha XP
I’m turning 21 this year and I’m pretty sure some (if not, most) of my friends would be surprised if they learn that I haven’t been in a relationship before. It’s nothing embarrassing really, but my guess is that it could potentially turn out to be a pretty awkward situation for me *bitter laugh*. Definitely, it’s not that my friends have all been attached multiple times or have had loads of romantic love experience but it seems like even the ‘forever green’ ones have been in some sort of serious ‘it’s complicated’ tangle before. And ‘it’s complicated’, whilst messy and uncertain, typically involves mutual feelings of liking for each other so it passes the minimal threshold (quite arbitrarily determined by me haha) required for the “had/has dating experience” category. On the contrary, I haven’t experienced any of the above before. More often than not, it has always been one-sided liking (on my part) and I haven’t had the good fortune of receiving any reciprocal feelings from the target(s) of my affections. Lest it sounds pathetic (I don’t go around falling in love with people), there have only been 2 ‘targets’ in the past 4-5 years so it’s still not too bad haha
That said, it hasn’t been all that good either. A past encounter with a particular someone did leave a bad aftertaste (a quite broken heart and very, very hurt feelings) but I’m happy to announce that I’m finally rid of these awful emotions and memories. It took a couple of years but I’m finally. totally. seriously. over it – honestly, it wouldn’t have taken that long (it sounds like a ridiculously long time in hindsight, I know) but since there was no one else whom I liked and who could have diverted my attention during that time, I guess I spent a bit more time than necessary dwelling on and languishing over the past. Fortunately, I can now happily say that it’s all safely in the past, where it can no longer hurt me. Yay!
Okay, back to the topic (said jerk will come later). I don’t really mind being single, I mean I can even joke about it, but sometimes, I admit that it can get lonely when you notice all your close friends getting into relationships with people who seem to love them very much.
Alright, this post isn’t really going the way I envisioned it to be hahaha
Please be prepared for a stream of disorganized thoughts from here on! XD
To cut a long story short, I have been wondering about the reasons as to why my friend can attract 10 different guys in a year as opposed to me. Initially, it made me doubt my own appeal as a girl – because if you think about it, although I’m not beautiful, I’m not ugly either! Neither am I too short/too tall/too skinny/too chubby or too evil/mean/nasty so there had to be some other reason (read: problem with me) to explain the lack of suitors! Till today, I have no idea what that ‘reason’ is but fortunately, I’m at peace with myself ahahaha I have a very healthy self-esteem level purleaseee – I’m how cute! Hahahahah ^^
I do have some hypotheses that seek to explain this mystery (eg. the people around me don’t know the real me, I’m just too aloof etc.) but let’s leave that for another day.
But wait! Here comes the funny part :D
A hilariously strange thing happened to me last, last Wednesday. For the first time in my life, someone actually tried to (to quote my friend) hit on me. If I could, I seriously would have LOLED big time right then. Why? Because such things shouldn’t be happening to me.. simply because they don’t! Haha I’ve heard of it happening to my friend before but me? PFFFTT HAHAHA *rolls around on floor laughing* This kind of stuff just don’t match well with me, I guess.
So there I was at the NUS campus bus stop, waiting for a bus. I wasn’t entirely sure how to get to my destination so I went around asking people at the bus stop for directions. Little did I know that someone was actually watching me… (oops, now it sounds like a scary story haha) Anyway, the bus took close to 25 minutes to arrive so I was just sitting there doing my own thing, surfing Facebook, Twitter and just about anything interesting and entertaining on my phone.
5 minutes into the wait, I started to have this strange feeling of being watched – I could feel someone who was standing behind looking at me constantly. Initially, I just brushed it off because the person could very well have been looking at something else in my direction but when the occasional glance extended into something longer, I thought the person was spying on… *bursts into laughter* my phone. Yes, my phone. (I totally misread the situation hahaha) I honestly thought that the person standing behind me was some adult or NUS kid who was spying on my phone activities and judging me (I imagine it would have gone along the lines of, “Kids nowadays are just glued to their phones, tsk. Just like this girl who’s using her phone constantly and jumping from app to app.” or “How many times is she going to open the Twitter app and read the tweets. Dahlingg, the number of tweets ain’t gonna magically balloon within a timeframe of 3 minutes. Be patient and wait for the bus. And get off the phone, will ya.”) so I suddenly felt super self-conscious. Hence, after checking my phone for the umpteenth time (you can tell how bored I was waiting at the bus stop), I decided to stash it away in my bag to prevent any further spying by snobbish adults. Naturally, the person didn’t stop looking (since it had nothing to do with my phone) but by then, I wasn’t too concerned anymore because the bus had arrived. I stood up to board the bus and the-person-I-thought-was-a-snobbish-spying-adult-poking-his-or-her-big-nose-into-other-people’s-business made his move.
First surprise – he was a NUS student. He came up to me abruptly and said something like, “I heard you asking for directions earlier blabla So where would you like to go? I can help you get there blablabla.” (inner self should have started freaking out like this >> ohmygawd you were spying on me when I was asking for directions half an hour ago?!?!?!?!!!! >> but inner self did not -___-’’) Perhaps due to the fact that I was running awfully late for the event at NUS and that the girl whom I had initially approached for directions didn’t seem to care about me anymore (sobs), I gratefully accepted his help and we boarded the bus. He proceeded to strike up a conversation with me and through it, I learnt that he was a medicine student in his final year of study (I have no idea how true this is though) and that he was headed to the Business School that night.
We talked a little about our respective schools and cultures – yes, it was a long bus ride T^T – and although I don’t usually/hardly talk to strangers, I’m generally friendlier towards helpful people so I humored him by maintaining the conversation. Besides, I’m one who doesn’t really mind sharing my opinions on certain generic topics (like schools and stuff) as long as the other party doesn’t know who I am. Obviously, I wasn’t planning to get to know this ‘Mr. Helpful’ so I had no qualms in just sharing my views or talking to him since it would end once I got off the bus anyway.
Alas, ‘Mr. Helpful’ had other plans. He suddenly and inexplicably got off at my stop (the Business school is a few stops after mine) and the conversation after that basically went like this:
Me: Oh you’re getting off now? I thought you were going to the Business school! You can just tell me the directions and I can find my way there on my own!
Him: (no response, at least none that I could hear) (Took big strides towards the place I was looking for)
Note: I didn’t press for the reason why he got off the bus because I didn’t want to be presumptuous in assuming that he had done so just to bring me to the NUSS GH. For all I knew, he could have been a person who uh- enjoyed walking to the Business school rather than taking the bus.
Me: (struggling to catch up) Is this the NUSS GH? Or is that the NUSS GH?
Him: Yes, it’s just here.
Me: That one?
Him: No. This one.
Me: Oh! This one, I recognize it! Ah, thank you so much! I can just make my way there from here – you should be on your way to the Business school now! (starts thanking him)
Him: Oh it’s okay! (unexpectedly whipped out his phone from his pocket when we were nearing the NUSS GH) Why don’t you give me your number so that – (clicks on the Contacts page and started preparing a new entry) I can blablabla..
Me: (caught by not-so-pleasant surprise) What? Haha errrrrmmmm…..
Him: (strange smile)
Me: (awkward laugh) Ahahahaha ermm, why do you need my number! Ahahhaaha (inner self finally awakened: Why, ‘Mr. Helpful’, especially when we’ve already reached the place I wanted to go to?!)
Him: (still holding phone expectantly)
Me: (more awkward but chirpy laughing) But really, why would you need my number? Ahahahahha
Him: (smile disappeared faster than I could even respond) (mumbled something that I couldn’t hear, bid a hasty goodbye and turned to leave; notably, his phone had vanished from his hands)
At that moment, I suddenly felt pretty bad so I tried to defuse the awkward situation by asking for his name after thanking him once more. (some sort of acknowledgment and appreciation for his help?) I’m not sure if it helped much but I really tried my best to reduce the embarrassment he felt. Still, he fled like the wind right after he asked for my name (which I politely gave).
All in all, that was a very strange encounter.
It was distressing in a certain way but oddly assuring in another, because it just means that I’m not that unattractive haha! That said, I highly suspect it was only because I was very prettily dressed that evening (yay, credit goes to my amazingly beautiful Korean skirt) – so maybe, not that attractive after all. *self-deprecating laugh*
Annddddd *drumroll* that's enough storytelling for the day!
TIll the NEXT post! :D
I haven’t checked yet but it has probably been a good half year since I last posted. ㅠ.ㅠ So sorry (to myself and anyone who cares) for not updating my blog for so long – I will work on it from now on! To be honest, I’m not exactly in a writing mood right now but I feel I should just try writing something and perhaps, take the chance to get certain negative stuff out of my system. I had a really strong urge to write yesterday; my little mind was overwhelmed by the barrage of thoughts and words that came rushing madly into my head but I didn’t jot them down then because it was too late at night (and uh, I wanted to sleep T^T I regret it now though cos the words are not flowing as readily at the moment). I really should make it a point to write whenever the mood comes!
Anyway, where shall we start.. My non-existent love life (if we exclude my marriage to hubby Hongki)? Hahaha XP
I’m turning 21 this year and I’m pretty sure some (if not, most) of my friends would be surprised if they learn that I haven’t been in a relationship before. It’s nothing embarrassing really, but my guess is that it could potentially turn out to be a pretty awkward situation for me *bitter laugh*. Definitely, it’s not that my friends have all been attached multiple times or have had loads of romantic love experience but it seems like even the ‘forever green’ ones have been in some sort of serious ‘it’s complicated’ tangle before. And ‘it’s complicated’, whilst messy and uncertain, typically involves mutual feelings of liking for each other so it passes the minimal threshold (quite arbitrarily determined by me haha) required for the “had/has dating experience” category. On the contrary, I haven’t experienced any of the above before. More often than not, it has always been one-sided liking (on my part) and I haven’t had the good fortune of receiving any reciprocal feelings from the target(s) of my affections. Lest it sounds pathetic (I don’t go around falling in love with people), there have only been 2 ‘targets’ in the past 4-5 years so it’s still not too bad haha
That said, it hasn’t been all that good either. A past encounter with a particular someone did leave a bad aftertaste (a quite broken heart and very, very hurt feelings) but I’m happy to announce that I’m finally rid of these awful emotions and memories. It took a couple of years but I’m finally. totally. seriously. over it – honestly, it wouldn’t have taken that long (it sounds like a ridiculously long time in hindsight, I know) but since there was no one else whom I liked and who could have diverted my attention during that time, I guess I spent a bit more time than necessary dwelling on and languishing over the past. Fortunately, I can now happily say that it’s all safely in the past, where it can no longer hurt me. Yay!
Okay, back to the topic (said jerk will come later). I don’t really mind being single, I mean I can even joke about it, but sometimes, I admit that it can get lonely when you notice all your close friends getting into relationships with people who seem to love them very much.
Alright, this post isn’t really going the way I envisioned it to be hahaha
Please be prepared for a stream of disorganized thoughts from here on! XD
To cut a long story short, I have been wondering about the reasons as to why my friend can attract 10 different guys in a year as opposed to me. Initially, it made me doubt my own appeal as a girl – because if you think about it, although I’m not beautiful, I’m not ugly either! Neither am I too short/too tall/too skinny/too chubby or too evil/mean/nasty so there had to be some other reason (read: problem with me) to explain the lack of suitors! Till today, I have no idea what that ‘reason’ is but fortunately, I’m at peace with myself ahahaha I have a very healthy self-esteem level purleaseee – I’m how cute! Hahahahah ^^
I do have some hypotheses that seek to explain this mystery (eg. the people around me don’t know the real me, I’m just too aloof etc.) but let’s leave that for another day.
But wait! Here comes the funny part :D
A hilariously strange thing happened to me last, last Wednesday. For the first time in my life, someone actually tried to (to quote my friend) hit on me. If I could, I seriously would have LOLED big time right then. Why? Because such things shouldn’t be happening to me.. simply because they don’t! Haha I’ve heard of it happening to my friend before but me? PFFFTT HAHAHA *rolls around on floor laughing* This kind of stuff just don’t match well with me, I guess.
So there I was at the NUS campus bus stop, waiting for a bus. I wasn’t entirely sure how to get to my destination so I went around asking people at the bus stop for directions. Little did I know that someone was actually watching me… (oops, now it sounds like a scary story haha) Anyway, the bus took close to 25 minutes to arrive so I was just sitting there doing my own thing, surfing Facebook, Twitter and just about anything interesting and entertaining on my phone.
5 minutes into the wait, I started to have this strange feeling of being watched – I could feel someone who was standing behind looking at me constantly. Initially, I just brushed it off because the person could very well have been looking at something else in my direction but when the occasional glance extended into something longer, I thought the person was spying on… *bursts into laughter* my phone. Yes, my phone. (I totally misread the situation hahaha) I honestly thought that the person standing behind me was some adult or NUS kid who was spying on my phone activities and judging me (I imagine it would have gone along the lines of, “Kids nowadays are just glued to their phones, tsk. Just like this girl who’s using her phone constantly and jumping from app to app.” or “How many times is she going to open the Twitter app and read the tweets. Dahlingg, the number of tweets ain’t gonna magically balloon within a timeframe of 3 minutes. Be patient and wait for the bus. And get off the phone, will ya.”) so I suddenly felt super self-conscious. Hence, after checking my phone for the umpteenth time (you can tell how bored I was waiting at the bus stop), I decided to stash it away in my bag to prevent any further spying by snobbish adults. Naturally, the person didn’t stop looking (since it had nothing to do with my phone) but by then, I wasn’t too concerned anymore because the bus had arrived. I stood up to board the bus and the-person-I-thought-was-a-snobbish-spying-adult-poking-his-or-her-big-nose-into-other-people’s-business made his move.
First surprise – he was a NUS student. He came up to me abruptly and said something like, “I heard you asking for directions earlier blabla So where would you like to go? I can help you get there blablabla.” (inner self should have started freaking out like this >> ohmygawd you were spying on me when I was asking for directions half an hour ago?!?!?!?!!!! >> but inner self did not -___-’’) Perhaps due to the fact that I was running awfully late for the event at NUS and that the girl whom I had initially approached for directions didn’t seem to care about me anymore (sobs), I gratefully accepted his help and we boarded the bus. He proceeded to strike up a conversation with me and through it, I learnt that he was a medicine student in his final year of study (I have no idea how true this is though) and that he was headed to the Business School that night.
We talked a little about our respective schools and cultures – yes, it was a long bus ride T^T – and although I don’t usually/hardly talk to strangers, I’m generally friendlier towards helpful people so I humored him by maintaining the conversation. Besides, I’m one who doesn’t really mind sharing my opinions on certain generic topics (like schools and stuff) as long as the other party doesn’t know who I am. Obviously, I wasn’t planning to get to know this ‘Mr. Helpful’ so I had no qualms in just sharing my views or talking to him since it would end once I got off the bus anyway.
Alas, ‘Mr. Helpful’ had other plans. He suddenly and inexplicably got off at my stop (the Business school is a few stops after mine) and the conversation after that basically went like this:
Me: Oh you’re getting off now? I thought you were going to the Business school! You can just tell me the directions and I can find my way there on my own!
Him: (no response, at least none that I could hear) (Took big strides towards the place I was looking for)
Note: I didn’t press for the reason why he got off the bus because I didn’t want to be presumptuous in assuming that he had done so just to bring me to the NUSS GH. For all I knew, he could have been a person who uh- enjoyed walking to the Business school rather than taking the bus.
Me: (struggling to catch up) Is this the NUSS GH? Or is that the NUSS GH?
Him: Yes, it’s just here.
Me: That one?
Him: No. This one.
Me: Oh! This one, I recognize it! Ah, thank you so much! I can just make my way there from here – you should be on your way to the Business school now! (starts thanking him)
Him: Oh it’s okay! (unexpectedly whipped out his phone from his pocket when we were nearing the NUSS GH) Why don’t you give me your number so that – (clicks on the Contacts page and started preparing a new entry) I can blablabla..
Me: (caught by not-so-pleasant surprise) What? Haha errrrrmmmm…..
Him: (strange smile)
Me: (awkward laugh) Ahahahaha ermm, why do you need my number! Ahahhaaha (inner self finally awakened: Why, ‘Mr. Helpful’, especially when we’ve already reached the place I wanted to go to?!)
Him: (still holding phone expectantly)
Me: (more awkward but chirpy laughing) But really, why would you need my number? Ahahahahha
Him: (smile disappeared faster than I could even respond) (mumbled something that I couldn’t hear, bid a hasty goodbye and turned to leave; notably, his phone had vanished from his hands)
At that moment, I suddenly felt pretty bad so I tried to defuse the awkward situation by asking for his name after thanking him once more. (some sort of acknowledgment and appreciation for his help?) I’m not sure if it helped much but I really tried my best to reduce the embarrassment he felt. Still, he fled like the wind right after he asked for my name (which I politely gave).
All in all, that was a very strange encounter.
It was distressing in a certain way but oddly assuring in another, because it just means that I’m not that unattractive haha! That said, I highly suspect it was only because I was very prettily dressed that evening (yay, credit goes to my amazingly beautiful Korean skirt) – so maybe, not that attractive after all. *self-deprecating laugh*
Annddddd *drumroll* that's enough storytelling for the day!
TIll the NEXT post! :D
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Friday, 7 June 2013
I really need to/want to/should feel obliged to blog soon. So much has been happening in my life so far- from the completion of year 2 in university to going on internships (2nd one now!). And then there's the incredible learning curve (getting to know about the legal sector, know more people and understand myself that bit better), the ongoing (stressful) applications for exchange, the crazily intense and deep reflections and also, the realisation that boy, I'm really growing up.
(sigh)
But the reason why I've been putting blogging matters off for a while is precisely because of the above events- I've been so busy that I can't really take time out for a proper blog post.. And I don't want blogging to become a task- or worse still, a chore because that will ultimately just translate into even greater stress and pressure for me.
I'm no kidding when I say that I'm busy. I wake up at 7am everyday for work, reach home around 7.40pm (optimistic estimate T_T) and after a shower and dinner, it's usually close to 9.30pm. By then, I'm probably so tired that all I want to do is to simply curl up on the couch and watch tv- if you're wondering why I don't go to sleep instead, it's because I'd rather have some personal enjoyment from watching shows than to waste it on sleeping (that would be a very sad working life)- and before you know it, presto! it's midnight! I'm tired. And the whole cycle repeats again the next day.
After 4 weeks of internship, I can't exactly say I hate work but really, working is extremely tiresome. It brings out all the escapist tendencies in one and makes one feel all crappy and lousy .
I'm currently still pondering over the significance of work in life and how a balance between the two can be struck well. It's no easy feat and I'm already feeling quite troubled due to it.. but at least, the fact that I'm thinking about it should reflect progress in one's self-development.
I hope. Haha.
Signing off for the night (or is it morning already ._.)!
(sigh)
But the reason why I've been putting blogging matters off for a while is precisely because of the above events- I've been so busy that I can't really take time out for a proper blog post.. And I don't want blogging to become a task- or worse still, a chore because that will ultimately just translate into even greater stress and pressure for me.
I'm no kidding when I say that I'm busy. I wake up at 7am everyday for work, reach home around 7.40pm (optimistic estimate T_T) and after a shower and dinner, it's usually close to 9.30pm. By then, I'm probably so tired that all I want to do is to simply curl up on the couch and watch tv- if you're wondering why I don't go to sleep instead, it's because I'd rather have some personal enjoyment from watching shows than to waste it on sleeping (that would be a very sad working life)- and before you know it, presto! it's midnight! I'm tired. And the whole cycle repeats again the next day.
After 4 weeks of internship, I can't exactly say I hate work but really, working is extremely tiresome. It brings out all the escapist tendencies in one and makes one feel all crappy and lousy .
I'm currently still pondering over the significance of work in life and how a balance between the two can be struck well. It's no easy feat and I'm already feeling quite troubled due to it.. but at least, the fact that I'm thinking about it should reflect progress in one's self-development.
I hope. Haha.
Signing off for the night (or is it morning already ._.)!
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Time for another post again! ^^
I didn't actually plan to blog today but I felt pretty inspired after visiting my friend's blog. I left her blog feeling both surprised and awed; I honestly had no idea that she had such an introspective side to her, not forgetting her poetic writing style but seriously, her online personality absolutely does not match her character in real life. Those who have never seen her blog would probably be under the impression that she's a very extroverted and happy-go-lucky girl who seems to act before she thinks (she sometimes acts quite carelessly). But that's practically the total opposite of what I'm seeing online! I'm still feeling shocked and yet at the same time, happy because I feel as if we've established a more intimate connection between us now that I know how she really thinks and feels.. :') Yay?
Back to myself, perhaps I can provide some updates about my life lately.. As usual, school and studying gobbles up the bulk of my time, sleep takes up about a quarter of the day and the rest is left for everything else such as my club activities (I joined a new club this year!), family time, some me-time and.. travelling on public transport haha. If you think about it, life has just become the same ol' routine repeating day in, day out. It's not boring but neither is it exciting. It's just, that. Perhaps it's because of how mundane and tiresome school days have turned into that I don't really get the urge to blog (since there's nothing much to talk about) or more fundementally, simply a change in myself (an idea I don't agree with) but either way, the stories, thoughts and words don't flow as readily to me now..
It's sad. Plain sad.
Life still goes on.
I didn't actually plan to blog today but I felt pretty inspired after visiting my friend's blog. I left her blog feeling both surprised and awed; I honestly had no idea that she had such an introspective side to her, not forgetting her poetic writing style but seriously, her online personality absolutely does not match her character in real life. Those who have never seen her blog would probably be under the impression that she's a very extroverted and happy-go-lucky girl who seems to act before she thinks (she sometimes acts quite carelessly). But that's practically the total opposite of what I'm seeing online! I'm still feeling shocked and yet at the same time, happy because I feel as if we've established a more intimate connection between us now that I know how she really thinks and feels.. :') Yay?
Back to myself, perhaps I can provide some updates about my life lately.. As usual, school and studying gobbles up the bulk of my time, sleep takes up about a quarter of the day and the rest is left for everything else such as my club activities (I joined a new club this year!), family time, some me-time and.. travelling on public transport haha. If you think about it, life has just become the same ol' routine repeating day in, day out. It's not boring but neither is it exciting. It's just, that. Perhaps it's because of how mundane and tiresome school days have turned into that I don't really get the urge to blog (since there's nothing much to talk about) or more fundementally, simply a change in myself (an idea I don't agree with) but either way, the stories, thoughts and words don't flow as readily to me now..
It's sad. Plain sad.
Life still goes on.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
"That is SO EMBARRASSING."
"...I'll find you and kick your ass!"
"All the BS you people submit..."
"Most of you are freaking chickens!"
"Nice to meet you Jon, FU Jon, bye!"
"Someone comes up to me and I put on my BIG fake smile.."
"...year 4s smell bad.. of desperation"
"...They smell reallyyy bad"
Why I love JKwan's classes (I shall not use his full name here because we learnt in class about the dangers social media pose to one employment prospects so well- let's not unintentionally end up sabotaging him) HAHA XD
This is why I love Canadians. HA!
"...I'll find you and kick your ass!"
"All the BS you people submit..."
"Most of you are freaking chickens!"
"Nice to meet you Jon, FU Jon, bye!"
"Someone comes up to me and I put on my BIG fake smile.."
"...year 4s smell bad.. of desperation"
"...They smell reallyyy bad"
Why I love JKwan's classes (I shall not use his full name here because we learnt in class about the dangers social media pose to one employment prospects so well- let's not unintentionally end up sabotaging him) HAHA XD
This is why I love Canadians. HA!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Monday, 11 February 2013
Remembering, then Forgetting
Addressed to: ZlWritten by: My
I once wanted so badly to be part of your life
To shield your tender soul, to make sure you survived
I thought those honest and true feelings made the best guards
Yet what returned was only a reflection of pain- cruel barbs
Working to have a kind heart torn apart
You didn't know it
But this time, it was something real, someone who really got hurt
Time passes
Now, I realise that perhaps things weren't so bad, so unworthy
For without you,
I wouldn't have learnt to be stronger
I wouldn't have found out that sincere feelings might be trampled on in the real world
More importantly
I wouldn't have known..
That I was better off without you in my life.
Goodbye, my friend.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Sunday, 10 February 2013
IT'S 2013 ALREADY!
(first time trying out Blogger on mobile haha hopefully this will translate into more posts in the future ^^)
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE! :D
(first time trying out Blogger on mobile haha hopefully this will translate into more posts in the future ^^)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Some fun and interesting photos from my Genting trip :)
STRAWBERRY FARMMMM! *_*
Cute little strawberries (I think this is the first time I'm seeing strawberry plants!)
Beautiful red roses <3 p="p">
Purple flowers (I can't remember the name offhand)
Champagne roses!
Teehee :P What's a trip to the strawberry farm without some photos of myself with the farm!
At the lavender flower shop!
Thursday, 13th December 2012
Wow, it has been a really, really long time since I last posted!
Ohh and if you've noticed, I've changed my blog template as well- it wasn't exactly a voluntary move on my part though.. I had to change it because my previous template just disappeared *sulks* I don't like the current template as much but oh well, it'll have to stay till I find a template to my liking (and after I figure out how to change it lols)!
Alright.. so what is there to talk about today?
School's out so perhaps I could talk a little about how the past term has been..? It has to be the toughest term out of the three terms thus far.. the modules are more tedious and straining, the professors are stricter and the people, more distant! I've got to know a couple of girls much better this term but still, I haven't met anyone who can truly connect with me. I'm totally fine with just making normal friends but sometimes, inevitably it gets lonely.
School feels pretty lonely at times. It's not that I do not have friends- if I think about it, I do have quite a bit of friends (that I can comfortably be with), just that they're not from law school. Naturally, the chance of seeing them or hanging out with them is reduced drastically since I'm in my own school building 95% of the time.. Sigh.
Fortunately, I'm not a social butterfly so I don't always have to be with close friends 24/7 or so- some people may find this sad but why not look at it in a positive light? I see it as a source of strength (somewhat) XD There are some who are so reliant on their friends, they cannot eat alone, shop alone or do much on their own- that I think is then a real problem.
I'll try to make more friends, definitely, but.. it sounds way easier than it actually is >_<
I will try though! 다들 아자 아자 화이팅!!!!
난 열심히할게! \(^___^)/
Ohh and if you've noticed, I've changed my blog template as well- it wasn't exactly a voluntary move on my part though.. I had to change it because my previous template just disappeared *sulks* I don't like the current template as much but oh well, it'll have to stay till I find a template to my liking (and after I figure out how to change it lols)!
Alright.. so what is there to talk about today?
School's out so perhaps I could talk a little about how the past term has been..? It has to be the toughest term out of the three terms thus far.. the modules are more tedious and straining, the professors are stricter and the people, more distant! I've got to know a couple of girls much better this term but still, I haven't met anyone who can truly connect with me. I'm totally fine with just making normal friends but sometimes, inevitably it gets lonely.
School feels pretty lonely at times. It's not that I do not have friends- if I think about it, I do have quite a bit of friends (that I can comfortably be with), just that they're not from law school. Naturally, the chance of seeing them or hanging out with them is reduced drastically since I'm in my own school building 95% of the time.. Sigh.
Fortunately, I'm not a social butterfly so I don't always have to be with close friends 24/7 or so- some people may find this sad but why not look at it in a positive light? I see it as a source of strength (somewhat) XD There are some who are so reliant on their friends, they cannot eat alone, shop alone or do much on their own- that I think is then a real problem.
I'll try to make more friends, definitely, but.. it sounds way easier than it actually is >_<
I will try though! 다들 아자 아자 화이팅!!!!
난 열심히할게! \(^___^)/
Monday, July 23, 2012
Monday, 23 July 2012
Haha I was going through my old posts and I really enjoyed what I read :) *wistful smile* http://lifeofawhimsicalkid.blogspot.sg/2010_04_01_archive.html
If I had to say, the person who was typing all those posts then seems totally different from the present me.. it's hasn't even been that long, but I feel like something deep inside has changed.. And I don't like it at all. I miss the maddie from before, I miss her lightheartedness, her witty and cynical take on issues, her cheerfulness and her enthusiasm in penning new posts.
I hope I'm still the same ol' person.
If I had to say, the person who was typing all those posts then seems totally different from the present me.. it's hasn't even been that long, but I feel like something deep inside has changed.. And I don't like it at all. I miss the maddie from before, I miss her lightheartedness, her witty and cynical take on issues, her cheerfulness and her enthusiasm in penning new posts.
I hope I'm still the same ol' person.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Monday, 12 May 2012
MUSIC POST TIME!
It has been a loong loong time since I've dedicated a post to MUSIC so I shall do so today! Today's post will be slightly different because unlike previous entries whereby only kpop was covered, today's post will include *drumrolls* english songs too!!! Hahaha surprise surprise right! (oh and not forgetting this pretty font that's called "Fantasy" ^______^) I think the last time I actually listened to english songs proper was wayy back in Secondary 1 but then again, it was mostly because I was in an emo-phase and english songs happened to be relatable. Since then, I've listened to a random smattering of English songs but never really tuned into any specific band. Unless you count Justin Bieber haha :D that pretty much sums up my exposure to the english music scene in the last year or so HEE XP and before you're quick to judge and criticise my music tastes, rest assured I'm no hardcore Belieber or teenybopper! I like Justin Bieber for his story, for his dreams and his perserverance in making his dreams come through and if that shines through in his songs, well, they're going on my playlist ^^ My personal favourites gotta be Somebody to Love, Pray and Under the Mistletoe hahaha
Moving on, let's cover familiar ground first.
My songpick of the month is....
"Jaywalking" by Seung Joon (Shut Up! Flower Boyband OST)
Best listened to with the volume cranked up to MAX!
It tells the story of two friends (note that the eng subs are slightly off; the part "my darling girl" should actually be translated as "you, whom I love" or "my loved one") who love and rely each other a lot, only to be separated by a car accident. I have a soft spot for bromances haha so naturally, I was very touched by the song lyrics *sniffs* The singer also has a very unique husky voice, that I think complements the song very well. :D ENJOY!
"Blue" by Big Bang
(try out "Fantastic Baby" and "Bad boy" if you want something more hiphop :D)
A couple of nice songs (worth my time, at least):
"Insane" by BtoB (pretty interesting group, watch out for coverage on it in future posts!)
"Know your name" by Jay Park
"After a long time" by Baek Ji Young (Rooftop Prince OST)
CHECK OUT THE DRAMA! DAMN GOOD!
"Mama" by Exo-K
"Jaywalking" by Seung Joon (Shut Up! Flower Boyband OST)
Best listened to with the volume cranked up to MAX!
It tells the story of two friends (note that the eng subs are slightly off; the part "my darling girl" should actually be translated as "you, whom I love" or "my loved one") who love and rely each other a lot, only to be separated by a car accident. I have a soft spot for bromances haha so naturally, I was very touched by the song lyrics *sniffs* The singer also has a very unique husky voice, that I think complements the song very well. :D ENJOY!
"Blue" by Big Bang
(try out "Fantastic Baby" and "Bad boy" if you want something more hiphop :D)
A couple of nice songs (worth my time, at least):
"Insane" by BtoB (pretty interesting group, watch out for coverage on it in future posts!)
"Know your name" by Jay Park
"After a long time" by Baek Ji Young (Rooftop Prince OST)
CHECK OUT THE DRAMA! DAMN GOOD!
"Mama" by Exo-K
Latest offering from SM Entertainment (turns up nose in disgust haha). As usual, power vocals CHECK! slick dance cheoreography CHECK! and pretty boys (Uh, 70%?) CHECK! It's a really hyped up boygroup and you can clearly see the time and money invested in them, but I'm not very impressed with this song. It has a trance-like quality which could sound cool (but it just doesn't make musical sense to my ears) and is pretty addictive but I just don't like it hahaha Look out for the guy in white anyway (Kai); he's quite a looker(?) - okay, you don't even have to make an effort to look out for him cos he's SO CONSPICUOUS - apparently, he's ridiculously talented (ballet, jazz dance background etc.) *__* but frankly I can't tell cos he doesn't sing during the song. Which doens't make sense actually. SM Ent must have chosen him to be the face of the band (which explains why he has the colours which stand out the most) but it's just awkward for him to draw so much attention only to lipsync -.-"
English songs timeee :)
"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
Don't ask me why I like it; I just do.
It made me stop in my tracks whilst shopping just to listen to the lyrics <3
lthas a really calming effect on the mind, so listen to this if you need to relax!
"Apologize" by One Republic
Another song that has a therapeutic effect on me :)
"Dear God" by Avenge Sevenfold
I'm not exactly sure if the song is about the girl or God, but a good listen nonetheless. Chanced upon Avenge Sevenfold when I was at RWS and overheard a song or so. I couldn't see the band cos it was a building away but I can already imagine the amount of headbanging going on XD In fact, Mummy was shaking her head in disapproval at all the screaming going on hahahahaa :D I've only listened to around 4-5 songs on youtube and I have to say they seem pretty subdued, compared to the live acts!
OMG I just listened to 2 more songs and I feel almost scarred ("A little piece of heaven" sounds too innocent for its actual content -______- SIGHH Why did I click on it?)
"Almost Easy" is much better but I'm not in the mood for noisy music now haha
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Thursday, 5 May 2012
Meh. This is depressing. T^T
I keep narrating my thoughts to myself at night right before I sleep - I have no idea why I do that - (maybe my mind is always in blogging-mode?) but this seriously gotta stop. Because I need my sleep. I can't stand tossing and turning for hours, and with so much on my mind -.-
PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!
I keep narrating my thoughts to myself at night right before I sleep - I have no idea why I do that - (maybe my mind is always in blogging-mode?) but this seriously gotta stop. Because I need my sleep. I can't stand tossing and turning for hours, and with so much on my mind -.-
PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!
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