Life goes on and yet, it feels almost as if time has stopped.
Regrets holding me back as the clock hands struggle against the natural law-defying forces; the stubborn self pit against the flow of nature. People seem to move on but they don't necessarily succeed at it. Then, there are also the unfeeling, desperately trying hard to feel again for they need to feel, in order to move on. To move on..
It's confusing, really.
I'm not sure what's going on in my mind, what exactly I'm feeling and why the tears keep flowing.
Am I feeling sad for my father who has just lost his mother? Or my mother who was brought to tears because my grandmother's funeral reminded her of her mother whom she loved so much? Or my sister who is also filled with sadness and regrets at losing our grandmother this way? Or the cousins who were much closer to my grandmother? Or the aunts and uncles who had also just lost a mother? Or my grandmother who has left this world far too early and quickly? And yet, had to undergo close to two weeks of pain and suffering before she could rid herself of these earthly worries? Or myself, who have had too little time to show my grandmother how much I loved her? To spend time with her? To create more memories with her? To take care of her? To act on this love I profess to have for her? To ensure that no such regrets, as those I have now, will ever arise?
I will never forget my cheery grandmother sitting in her favourite chair by the door every Chinese New Year. My dearest granny shuffling around the house, offering us her home-made fried cashew nuts, barbecued sweet pork, cousin-made pineapple tarts or the Chinese New Year sweet treats arranged neatly in the same old container. I will never forget my granny's loud voice whenever she spoke to my father, as she ushered us to the dinner table for meals, as she insisted that we take home a packet of nuts, as she commented occasionally on the television programme, as she recounted her many life experiences to all of us.. I will never forget this kind old lady who loved her children and grandchildren unconditionally. I am incredibly thankful that I started to hug her again either this year or last Chinese New Year (thanks to my mum who gave me the courage to overcome the shyness) but.. I don't think any amount of hugs would have ever been enough.
I sincerely hope that she's in a better, happier place right now and that she knows she's being loved by, missed by and blessed by so many people. Ah Ma, I hope that each and every drop of tear shed by your loved ones will translate into an additional blessing for happiness, contentment and prosperity in your after- or next life.
Ah Ma, 一路走好, 安心地当神仙.
Thank you so much for being in my life, Ah Ma. I love you so much.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Sunday, 20 July 2014
A Rainy, Sunny Day
This is my burden to bear.. What was I even thinking - to think that I almost called you but thankfully, I held myself back in time. Happiness is such a rarity in this world of ours, I shouldn't be inflicting pain and sadness on others. We suffer alone. We keep the pain to ourselves.
Don't let someone else's sunny day.. be overrun by your rain clouds.
This is my burden to bear.. What was I even thinking - to think that I almost called you but thankfully, I held myself back in time. Happiness is such a rarity in this world of ours, I shouldn't be inflicting pain and sadness on others. We suffer alone. We keep the pain to ourselves.
Don't let someone else's sunny day.. be overrun by your rain clouds.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
I'M ON EXCHANGE!
This means that I'm in Korea right now (this is my 14th day here in Seoul)! How exciting is that haha :D However, this also means that I'll be updating this page less frequently because I have a separate travel blog specially for my exchange experience.. I'll be focusing more on that page during these 4-5 months.. but I won't stop posting here completely though aha! This is still my own secret paradise that few know of and hence, if there are things that I feel uncomfortable sharing with people on that page, I'll still come back here!
WOOHOO!
Hope I'll be having loads of fun here! *\o/*
Seeya soon on this blog!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Friday, 10 January 2014
It's a new year.
A new start.
A fresh beginning.
A chance to forget the past,
An opportunity to create a new future.
Then why do I feel so weary? So bogged down by the weight of the past? The self of the past, who was afraid that she was not strong enough and who is still unsure if she can become stronger.
(Inner turmoil)
"Stop playing and grow up!"
"..."
"Is a frivolous day of fun going to help feed you?"
"But.. If not today, if not now, when will we ever get a chance to play again? Adults do not play. They forget how to have fun because there is no space for that in their worlds."
"With money, you can have all the fun you want- stop playing, I say and get to work!"
"Work. Money. Is that really all there is to life? To living?"
"..."
"..."
To the future self: Stay strong and keep the faith. Always.
A new start.
A fresh beginning.
A chance to forget the past,
An opportunity to create a new future.
Then why do I feel so weary? So bogged down by the weight of the past? The self of the past, who was afraid that she was not strong enough and who is still unsure if she can become stronger.
(Inner turmoil)
"Stop playing and grow up!"
"..."
"Is a frivolous day of fun going to help feed you?"
"But.. If not today, if not now, when will we ever get a chance to play again? Adults do not play. They forget how to have fun because there is no space for that in their worlds."
"With money, you can have all the fun you want- stop playing, I say and get to work!"
"Work. Money. Is that really all there is to life? To living?"
"..."
"..."
To the future self: Stay strong and keep the faith. Always.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tuesday, 12 December 2013
Was reminded of 謝和弦 today and decided to visit his blog (my weekly must-visit in the past), only to realise that it's gone.. It's such a waste to read about this young talented musician's downward spiral and I really hope that one day, he will stand up on his two feet bravely once again and show the world, his raw, rough-edged but astounding musical talent. He used to be a great inspiration to me and this is how we should remember him - 謝和弦, 埔里小孩.
(extracted from a post in http://www.wretch.cc/blog/she820426/31315604)
謝和弦
一個國中畢業到台北打拼的埔里小孩
曾經是華硏唱片的培訓藝人
但或許因腦中存在著叛逆因子
為了他的樂團夢
他離開了華硏唱片
曾經擁有一個樂團
叫 海平面
但最近因為團員的生活與生計問題而解散
他嘗試過好多事情
好多不是他本來想做的事情
但為了他的音樂夢
他試著去做
他試著演戲
演了一些 或許大家都知道的角色
但 他依然愛著他的音樂
現在
他是亞神唱片的藝人
他 即將在今年或明年
正式發表他的音樂作品
我相信他有那樣的音樂實力
有讓人愛上他的獨特魅力
他 現在人在北京
正再努力的充實自己
(extracted from a post in http://www.wretch.cc/blog/she820426/31315604)
謝和弦
一個國中畢業到台北打拼的埔里小孩
曾經是華硏唱片的培訓藝人
但或許因腦中存在著叛逆因子
為了他的樂團夢
他離開了華硏唱片
曾經擁有一個樂團
叫 海平面
但最近因為團員的生活與生計問題而解散
他嘗試過好多事情
好多不是他本來想做的事情
但為了他的音樂夢
他試著去做
他試著演戲
演了一些 或許大家都知道的角色
但 他依然愛著他的音樂
現在
他是亞神唱片的藝人
他 即將在今年或明年
正式發表他的音樂作品
我相信他有那樣的音樂實力
有讓人愛上他的獨特魅力
他 現在人在北京
正再努力的充實自己
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Thursday, 5 December 2013
I thought I was going to publish 2 posts in a day but time really flies/evaporates/vanishes - before I even realise it, 4 December has quietly turned into 5 December. Another day is over, but that also means that we're one day closer to Christmas <|:o)) Hohoho!
Anyway, just some (short) musings for the day.
Today's theme is "Life and Love".
Now that my sister is in a relationship (yay, congratulations), I've started to think about the role of romantic love in our lives. If being in love means that one's significant other half is constantly on one's mind and one yearns to meet him/her all the time, then I really wonder how this is able to fit in with the concept of family (love) and friendship (aka. friend love). I hesitate to use the word, "accomodate" because I disagree that family is the one which has to be accomodated - the right question should instead be concerned with how romantic love can be accomodated and have room made for it in one's life. Clearly, I'm a person who prioritises family and I'm determined that this fact will not change, whether I'm in a relationship or not, because some things are just non-negotiable.
I understand that people can get giddy with love, that love is passionate, that love is overwhelming and may often appear to be the best thing in the world (I really do, or at least I try) - but can't we all try and achieve a balance between that and family? (unfortunately, ordinary friends rank too low on the list to even be discussed here) With a bit more consideration for the feelings of others, I am pretty sure that such a balance is possible.
I hope I'm being rational here (and not just being the lil sister who's neglected and hence, whiny) but I think this is a topic worth thinking about. The relationship between one's romantic partner and one's family, when that balance is tipped towards the romantic partner (aka. when romantic love transforms into familial love) and when that happens, the difference in treatment warranted by the different types of familial love. Don't get started on me about how a married daughter is like water splashed out of the house (pardon the less-than-elegant translation) for I might very well dunk you in a pail of water and throw you out with the pail, but I do think that this is a question that everyone should answer. If the natural course of things (according to societal norms and standards) allows for people to get married and move out from their family homes to set up their own families elsewhere (regardless of whether one still visits his/her parents/siblings/aunts/whatnot), doesn't this necessarily imply that family has been 'demoted', as compared to the now-husband/wife? If so, is that really all there is to the notion of 'family'?
Alright- enough questions for the day. I'm still tired (despite my 3-hour nap earlier) from last night's sleepover where ironically, there was little sleep to go around. Lights out and wishing all a good night!
Anyway, just some (short) musings for the day.
Today's theme is "Life and Love".
Now that my sister is in a relationship (yay, congratulations), I've started to think about the role of romantic love in our lives. If being in love means that one's significant other half is constantly on one's mind and one yearns to meet him/her all the time, then I really wonder how this is able to fit in with the concept of family (love) and friendship (aka. friend love). I hesitate to use the word, "accomodate" because I disagree that family is the one which has to be accomodated - the right question should instead be concerned with how romantic love can be accomodated and have room made for it in one's life. Clearly, I'm a person who prioritises family and I'm determined that this fact will not change, whether I'm in a relationship or not, because some things are just non-negotiable.
I understand that people can get giddy with love, that love is passionate, that love is overwhelming and may often appear to be the best thing in the world (I really do, or at least I try) - but can't we all try and achieve a balance between that and family? (unfortunately, ordinary friends rank too low on the list to even be discussed here) With a bit more consideration for the feelings of others, I am pretty sure that such a balance is possible.
I hope I'm being rational here (and not just being the lil sister who's neglected and hence, whiny) but I think this is a topic worth thinking about. The relationship between one's romantic partner and one's family, when that balance is tipped towards the romantic partner (aka. when romantic love transforms into familial love) and when that happens, the difference in treatment warranted by the different types of familial love. Don't get started on me about how a married daughter is like water splashed out of the house (pardon the less-than-elegant translation) for I might very well dunk you in a pail of water and throw you out with the pail, but I do think that this is a question that everyone should answer. If the natural course of things (according to societal norms and standards) allows for people to get married and move out from their family homes to set up their own families elsewhere (regardless of whether one still visits his/her parents/siblings/aunts/whatnot), doesn't this necessarily imply that family has been 'demoted', as compared to the now-husband/wife? If so, is that really all there is to the notion of 'family'?
Alright- enough questions for the day. I'm still tired (despite my 3-hour nap earlier) from last night's sleepover where ironically, there was little sleep to go around. Lights out and wishing all a good night!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Monday, 4 December 2013
Just back from my first-ever hotel staycation at Studio M! (and an executive loft room, no less!)
It was a really great experience with friends and well, I enjoyed spending time with them. (: I didn't htht as much with them *sigh* but I just can't do it. There are simply too many things that I cannot and will not share with others.. We played a "Let Lang Leav Answer" game and when my friend asked about who I currently like, very interestingly, I got this poem:
The Things We Hide
And so,
I have put away
the photographs,
every trace of you
I know.
The things that seem
to matter less,
are the ones
we put on show.
It was uncannily accurate, especially so considering that I had decided to put an end to these unrequited feelings just the day before yesterday.
Life works in really strange ways, doesn't it?
Nonetheless, it has been a really fanstastic staycation. Thank you all for your pleasant company. <3
It was a really great experience with friends and well, I enjoyed spending time with them. (: I didn't htht as much with them *sigh* but I just can't do it. There are simply too many things that I cannot and will not share with others.. We played a "Let Lang Leav Answer" game and when my friend asked about who I currently like, very interestingly, I got this poem:
The Things We Hide
And so,
I have put away
the photographs,
every trace of you
I know.
The things that seem
to matter less,
are the ones
we put on show.
It was uncannily accurate, especially so considering that I had decided to put an end to these unrequited feelings just the day before yesterday.
Life works in really strange ways, doesn't it?
Nonetheless, it has been a really fanstastic staycation. Thank you all for your pleasant company. <3
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