Life goes on and yet, it feels almost as if time has stopped.
Regrets holding me back as the clock hands struggle against the natural law-defying forces; the stubborn self pit against the flow of nature. People seem to move on but they don't necessarily succeed at it. Then, there are also the unfeeling, desperately trying hard to feel again for they need to feel, in order to move on. To move on..
It's confusing, really.
I'm not sure what's going on in my mind, what exactly I'm feeling and why the tears keep flowing.
Am I feeling sad for my father who has just lost his mother? Or my mother who was brought to tears because my grandmother's funeral reminded her of her mother whom she loved so much? Or my sister who is also filled with sadness and regrets at losing our grandmother this way? Or the cousins who were much closer to my grandmother? Or the aunts and uncles who had also just lost a mother? Or my grandmother who has left this world far too early and quickly? And yet, had to undergo close to two weeks of pain and suffering before she could rid herself of these earthly worries? Or myself, who have had too little time to show my grandmother how much I loved her? To spend time with her? To create more memories with her? To take care of her? To act on this love I profess to have for her? To ensure that no such regrets, as those I have now, will ever arise?
I will never forget my cheery grandmother sitting in her favourite chair by the door every Chinese New Year. My dearest granny shuffling around the house, offering us her home-made fried cashew nuts, barbecued sweet pork, cousin-made pineapple tarts or the Chinese New Year sweet treats arranged neatly in the same old container. I will never forget my granny's loud voice whenever she spoke to my father, as she ushered us to the dinner table for meals, as she insisted that we take home a packet of nuts, as she commented occasionally on the television programme, as she recounted her many life experiences to all of us.. I will never forget this kind old lady who loved her children and grandchildren unconditionally. I am incredibly thankful that I started to hug her again either this year or last Chinese New Year (thanks to my mum who gave me the courage to overcome the shyness) but.. I don't think any amount of hugs would have ever been enough.
I sincerely hope that she's in a better, happier place right now and that she knows she's being loved by, missed by and blessed by so many people. Ah Ma, I hope that each and every drop of tear shed by your loved ones will translate into an additional blessing for happiness, contentment and prosperity in your after- or next life.
Ah Ma, 一路走好, 安心地当神仙.
Thank you so much for being in my life, Ah Ma. I love you so much.
