I decided that I had to create a blog post, fu or no fu.
I’m not exactly sure what I want to blog about though, so let’s just start with my latest fb update-“won’t hurt no more”. I posted that last night after I finally came to the painful conclusion that enough was enough- friends are supposed to care for and love each other, friends are supposed to make one feel all warm and fuzzy inside and more than anything else, friends are supposed to bring out the best in each other! People who do not care about making you feel upset.. are not true friends after all.. In the past, I used to believe that I was the one at fault for imposing my own definition and expectations of friendship on him, and that perhaps, it really did cause unnecessary pressure for him, leading to his withdrawal from the relationship. But I did change after that! I worked hard to create the most comfortable environment for this precious friendship, but it seems that my effort and hard work are worthless in his eyes.. because he doesn’t seem to care at all.. He doesn’t give a damn about cutting me off from his life anytime he feels like it, he doesn’t give a damn about losing me as a friend, and neither does he give a damn about how I feel. I really thought that he would understand after telling him so many times that I see him as a very good friend and that he was an important one to me.. and yet, very apparently, he doesn’t understand. At all. It hurts even more because he’s such an important friend to me. And frankly, the feeling when you finally acknowledge the fact that maybe you don’t matter to him at all is horrible. I refused to believe it last year because that would only mean that all my efforts went to naught but now, I’m left with no choice eh?
But that’s life, isn’t it?
Harsh and cruel.
And yet, despite going through the same thing over and over again, it still never fails to amaze me as to how people can hurt others so easily just to protect themselves, with not the least regard about the pain others are suffering as a result of their actions. Well, I’m going to stop being silly. I don’t deserve being treated this way, so regardless of how much I cherish it; I’m taking a step back. I’m not giving up, but I think it should be time someone else tried.
我不需要你的好。我只是不要你对我不好。
也别和我搞什么复杂，本小姐不屑了。
Alright, enough of the whole emo friendship-is-fragile thing. I’ve got- or rather, I’m supposed to have more serious things on my mind, like the 4 interviews next week. I’m like, “this is totally crazy!” because 4 is seriously a lot D: and I’m just not good in interviews luh.. (psst the worst part is that I start laughing when I get overly-nervous -.- just imagine an extremely giggly girl facing 2 stoned-faced interviewers..) Also, the whole preparation for interviews is getting slightly on my nerves; I understand why I have to prepare- to impress the socks off the interviewers, but I’m not used to “selling” myself in say 15-20 minutes. I mean, people don’t usually spend their lives thinking about what sets them apart from the possible boring-and-average-looking-and-unexceptional-human-being next to them.. or if they do even think about it, they might come to the scary conclusion that they are that very boring-and-average-looking-and-unexceptional-human-being.
The world is a meritocratic one, and that sucks when you’re stuck right in the middle- which is the sticky situation I am in now. I’m neither the best, nor I am very lousy- instead, I’m just, so-disturbing–that-it-warrants-an-ohmygawd-average. And the problem is that when you’re average, you are supposed to make up for that by being an uber persuasive speaker, which I don’t think I am- at least not in front of interviewers. I’m quite a good speaker around my family and friends, but somehow, in an interview setting, my brain and mind just sloooowsss dooownnn and my 反应慢半拍 one. I only come up with the fantastic and pretty-sounding answers after the interviews end ._.
Okay, I think it’s time I go think of some fancy and impressive answers now! I know the interviewers will be very critical and try to throw me off balance with their questions, so I gotta be strong! Oh lastly, just let me lament the fact that not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to grow up with a life-long ambition and dream (they love to ask this question but they seldom realize that perhaps, when they were our age, they did not have any answers too). Hence, don’t be hasty in calling the rest of us dreamless pokes, or laugh at us for being lost in life without any goals- because..
A dream does not come easy.
When people have to balance their dreams and practicality, their ambitions and society, dreams cease to be dreams.
