The weekends are hereee :) Hahaha I love nothing more than just sitting around at home, resting, watching tv or doodling. That's how we enjoy life eh!
That said, it's not that I don't enjoy teaching or anything.. Frankly I find teaching really fun because it makes me happy to see kids learning; yet at the same time, it is very stressful for me to face and address a large group of people.. I'm not finding excuses for myself, but *shrugs* I'm not the best kind of people-oriented person you can find around.. At least not for now.. Of course I want to improve myself in this aspect, and I think that this internship is the perfect "training grounds" for me since it just plonks me right into a peopleful-situation, but sometimes the going gets a little tough and upsetting. Compared to the full-time experienced teachers, my situation hardly deserves a second look, but like I mentioned, they are experienced professionals who are trained to handle such situations.. not me. I keep encouraging myself before every lesson, constantly reminding myself that "I CAN DO IT!!" but somehow, confidence (which I painstakingly build up) just leaks away.. why am I so useless.. D:
I used to think I was a courageous person.. but perhaps it's alright? Since I can always strive to become a better person! (That's what this blog is for after all!) The tricky part though is ensuring that I don't change too much as I learn to grow up and adapt to the working world.
This is because I really don't want to lose sight of the real me just to suit the needs of society..
I say this because sometimes when I play around with my colleagues, and as we laugh like mad hyenas in our office, a (pretty unwelcome one at that as it spoils my mood) thought will suddenly pop up in my subconscious mind. A sticky thought questioning myself, "am I really like this? is this the real me?". Also, due to the (lack in) numbers of lessons I have everyday, my colleagues love to tease me and thanks to them, I have a free daily commentary on how free and slack a person I am, unlike the very busy them. This displeases me slightly, but somehow, this person in school will just play along, laugh it off and act like it's a good thing to be so relaxed and free at work.
But I don't get it.
I'm obviously not such a person, so why do I act as such in school? The real me is someone who is hardworking and one who tries her best in everything, am I not? So why exactly am I helping them to construct this false image of myself? I hate this feeling of doubting myself, however at the same time, I'm at a loss at what to do as well.. *sighs*
If only we could all stay the same yea? *hopeful, yet wistful smile*
